i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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