mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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