how can u be prego again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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