we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize