K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish you could order shots online.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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