When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
