This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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