dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
