She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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