Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
someone owes me an orgasm
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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