Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
