Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
