I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
