Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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