I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
