3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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