How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
