on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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