I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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