I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
