you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
