In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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