I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your penis caused this!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
