He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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