The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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