Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
