If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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