She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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