I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
