I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
