I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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