Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize