I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
