If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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