Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just pee around me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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