i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
