I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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