I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
