I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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