GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
