I only kidnapped one of them. chill
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
