You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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