32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
