so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
