Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
