I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
