can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
