I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
