Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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