I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
