the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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