Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
