Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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