I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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