Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
