I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
