Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
