Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
