it's too hot outside to masturbate.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
