i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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