I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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